palo santo stub

Smoke on my fingers

Posted on April 1, 2018

In the shower, I caught of a whiff of palo santo smoke on my fingers and it struck me how much my lifestyle has changed. The me two years ago would never have guessed where I am right now.

Learning about how witches functioned in Romania led me down a rabbit-hole of self-discovery. I resonated with Benebell Wen’s method of learning tarot and quickly eschewed the so-called “intuitive” method of using the tarot.

At the same time, I knew that there must be more. I was chasing something that I did not know of; I was searching for answers to questions I did not know I had. One thing led to another; I tumbled deep into the weeds of the esoteric.

As a child, I had learned to shun this part of myself. I was good at my studies and quickly learned that hard academic knowledge was the key to success. I filled my head with things I did not need, facts I ended up unlearning, in the pursuit of success, assuming that success will bring me happiness. I ended up with a pretty good GPA with a pretty good degree; and while my first job was not exactly what I hoped for, I was pretty happy.

Then I remembered the child that I was; and all the things I wanted to learn. The esoteric beckoned to me and I suddenly found myself surrounded by the things I used to miss: the Psychic book my parents kindly bought for me when I was young; the Amituofo Buddha statue my father erected on his own altar; the good memories of Charmed. I now had the resources to pursue this myself.

In the process, I gained a newfound appreciation for my roots. Even though my Mandarin is pretty much shit, I am now more willing to learn. I picked up BaZi, which I had wanted to learn when I was kid. I started dabbling with Chinese talismans. I began to follow my grandmother to shao mu. Cheesy as it sounds, I want to be proudly Chinese.

I practice magick, but there was nothing more magical than recollecting my mundane past with palo santo smoke lingering on my fingers. Certainly, things are not perfect, but I feel like I am coming into myself.

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