Problems with divining for yourself: Romance

Categories Personal, Tarot
I'm shuffling the Mesquite Tarot

I’ve always had a healthy relationship with the tarot, or so I thought. To be able to read for yourself requires a sense of objectivity; and while I know I’m not the most objective person out there, I’ve acquired a modicum of self-awareness. I’ve talked about this, how I feel like I’m coming into myself with meditation and my spiritual practice. At the same time, I think hope clouded my reading this time and I wanted to share my ruminations on this.

Recently, I met someone whom I had good feelings for. After our first date, even though it felt a little robotic and stiff, I was still optimistic. It didn’t help that my tarot cards showed me this:

I knew my worth and he was charismatic. I needed to learn how to ride the winds of fortune, while he could see objectively that our relationship can potentially grow. Overall, together, we could conquer the world. Did I do too optimistic an interpretation? Please let me know in the comments <3

The reading did not raise my expectations but it gave me more impetus to try. I thought it was worth a shot (or more than a shot).

At this point, he gave me oatmeal replies and on the second date, he ghosted me for an hour and I waited like a fool, drinking sake like a ditched geisha. He appeared after an hour, with weak excuses and shitty explanations. I held back, took a deep breath (and even more alcohol) then let it go. At the end of the day, I told him that I liked him, but I didn’t feel the same from him. His response: “I can’t think about this now”. It was the next day when he confirmed, nope, those feelings were not at all mutual.

Hence, once that was done, I looked back at the reading I did. Where did I go wrong with this? It took me a while to understand that maybe the World wasn’t the same “woo-hoo, you’ve done it!” feeling here; the reading here may be telling me about how that one date was enough to signify a completion, that we already hit the heights of what was. Perhaps me knowing my worth was meant to prepare for the downturn in fortune. Perhaps he’s a snake and not a charismatic King of Wands. Was this me being too lost in infatuation that I misread the cards?

Now, after the fact, I’m looking back at the Tarot. I have had many bad romantic experiences in my life and this was another one that wrecked me with anxiety. How could I break out of this cycle?

Three Card Spread - Mesquite Tarot

What I did not have control over: Seven of Wands

I still have my wall up. I still see every sentence as some sort of play by the other party. I am still fucking scared. As extroverted I may seem to some, when it comes to romance, I shut down and become almost afraid to be myself. When I talk, do I self-inflate without thinking? Am I pretending to be more together than I already am?

Of course this isn’t all on me and I know that, but the spread is telling me I need to let go of this defense. I don’t need to put myself on a pedestal and fight off everything coming. Instead, see words as what they are – just words. Water off a duck’s back.

What I had control over this time: Ace of Wands

I let myself fall. That’s a good step in the right direction. It’s been more than a year since I let myself meet someone new and let myself feel something more. At least, slowly but surely, my fear is being eroded. There’s nothing wrong with liking someone and them not liking you back. It’s not your fault.

There’s no need to fear affection. I’ve taken “No expectations lead to no disappointments” too far and I don’t expect anything of anyone I meet now. This makes it hard for me to hope and want.

What I need to learn: Temperance

Duh. Let the Mesquite Tarot show me a Major Arcana card as my take-away for this. Balance is important in all aspects of life. Was I holding back or giving away too much? Could the card be reminding me that life is a balance of many elements, and romance is just one part of life?

Is the card telling me to find balance in a relationship? In this case, it was clearly imbalanced from the start, even when all points on paper seemed to gel. Instead of letting him string me along, would it have better to raise it up from the start?

It could also be telling me to not be so self-critical, to accept that part of this failure was him too. Blaming myself will only lead me to staying in the cycle. Keeping a balanced mind will help me with my next romantic endeavor (if it ever happens hahaha).

I will take this advice and move forwards. I’m just curious to know if in future, I’ll be able to go ahead with reading for myself again, especially for romance.

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